Let Him Die
by Peyt fan 4ever
Summary: "This couldn't be over. We worked so hard to keep it together over the past year. It had never been easy with us. Never. There was always an obstacle to jump through, never an easy rode out. But we always managed to jump through those obstacles together, never wavering from each other, even in the worst of times... We had finally wavered." My thoughts on the Dawsey 'break up'.


**Warning, I need to rant. **

**Rant: I am so so so so so so so so, **_**beyond **_**angry about Tuesday's episode! We waited how long for Dawsey?! A season and a half, and it took them 9 episodes into season 3 to ruin them. I'm so angry and upset about this Dawsey storyline. They can never catch a break. The writers always have them arguing over petty little things, and this season have been making them so out of character. **

**Casey has been an ass. Like beyond being an ass. In my opinion he has been treating Dawson like crap, and not caring about her feelings at all. Does he not realize she lost Shay? She lost her best friend and he is all she has, and he continuously pushes her away whenever she reaches out to him. **

**I'm still rooting for Dawsey, always will, but I seriously hope that Casey will be doing some making up to Dawson in the coming episodes and that she doesn't get blamed for everything, because he is being terrible to her. **

**Anyways, here is my idea on Dawson's thoughts before and during the 'break up' scene and Casey's thoughts after she leaves. **

**I haven't decided whether or not I will add more to this or not. It will probably depend on next week's episode. **

**Hope you enjoy and leave me a review!**

_**Dawson**_

I needed this to work out. I needed Casey in my life. Forever. I loved him more than anything. But I couldn't put other people's lives at risk, and that was exactly what we were doing.

Leaving things the way they were was a ticking time bomb. It was killing us. Individually and as a couple. If we didn't find a solution now, it was going to kill someone else.

I had left shift, I had left when two of our own needed me the most.

Matt and I let our relationship get in the way of the job, but worst off we let our job get in the way of our relationship.

We had promised each other we wouldn't let it happen. We had promised to treat each other as Candidate and Lieutenant. Always. That was ruined before it even started. Matt would never be able to treat me as any other Candidate. We were in to deep. There was no going back.

I admit I made mistakes on calls. I was rogue. I was a rogue PIC, how could I expect to be any different as a firefighter? I needed time. I needed time to learn the ways of being a firefighter. I needed to learn that I was a part of a team now, that it wasn't just me in charge with my partner. I needed to be treated like any other Candidate. I needed to prove myself. The last thing I wanted was to ride on Matt's coat tails, but that is what it felt like I was doing. That's what the guys were letting me do. It needed to stop.

Matt's words kept ringing in my head. _You don't know if you want to be with me._ Did he really think that? Did he really believe that I didn't want to be with him? That thought hurt. It hurt knowing he didn't trust me, when I had never given him a reason not to. He had went to a girl's house, I knew nothing happened. I believed him, but he still lied to me. He never answered his phone, never came home, and then told me he and Severide had crashed elsewhere. Would I have ever found out about Severide and him staying at the blonde bimbo's house if she wouldn't have showed up at the fire house?

That fight leading to his words that hurt me the most. Words that still stung me. _I'm trying to be your Fiancé and your Lieutenant and you can't respect either one. _His angry eyes and scornful face after they left his mouth hurt even more. It wasn't just a slip of the tongue, he didn't regret them. They were angry, hurtful words, and he'd said them with a purpose. And they had worked, hitting me straight in the heart.

We needed to work this all out. Needed to talk. Needed time. _Needed space._

In my mind there was only one solution. We needed to separate our work and home life. I wouldn't risk the life of anyone in our 51 family ever again, I wouldn't risk innocent victim's lives again.

It wasn't fair to the guys, and it wasn't fair to any victim that could possibly get in the crossfire of our relationship, or arguments on a call.

We weren't the same people we use to be. Hadn't been since Shay died, but mostly we hadn't been since we started working together on truck. We started to push the other away. Somewhere along the line we both separated ourselves. We stopped talking. Stopped talking about work because we felt we couldn't, stopped talking about our feelings, because a lot of them had to do with work. We just stopped talking. It was killing me.

I felt I had no one. I couldn't talk to Matt, when I tried I was shot down because, _he couldn't change the way he felt about how I act on shift._ At the time I couldn't blame him for that. I had messed up, but I needed someone to confide in. If it couldn't be my own fiancé then who?

Peter Mills.

I never meant to hurt Matt. I never would intentionally hurt Matt. Pete was just there. I was lost and sad, and had no idea what to do, and he was there. Matt and I were at a crossroads. I use to always be able to talk to him or Shay. _Now Shay was gone, and I was lost._

I couldn't talk to Antonio, he was going through a divorce, and the last thing he wants to hear is my messy relationship drama. Casey had made it clear I couldn't talk to him about it. Pete was just a friend, always would be a friend. The romantic feelings completely gone on my part. All I wanted was Casey. Pete was fun, and for a moment I really did think I loved him. But Casey. There was no questioning it. Finally getting together with Matt was better than I ever could have expected it to be. He was my everything, and I loved him. Really loved him. I wanted to marry him, without a doubt.

Everything was such a mess. A mess that I was trying to sort through on my own, but felt like I was just tangling myself in it deeper.

I decided to untangle it.

Tears were falling freely down my face, as I sat the last of my things in my bag. I didn't want this. I didn't want to leave my home. To leave Casey. We needed space. We needed to work this out. _I needed us to work this out._

I couldn't lose anyone else.

I'd lost Shay, and I was still barely holding on after that loss. I knew if I lost Matt for good that I wouldn't make it. He was all I had left. The thought that our relationship was hanging on by a thread was killing me.

_This was the only way I knew how to fix it._

_I needed to fix it, and the first step was space. _

I don't know how long I sat at the table second guessing myself. I kept staring at my bags sat by the couch and back to the ring on my finger. This was all so screwed up. This wasn't how it was supposed to be.

The key in the lock brought me from my thoughts and soon the door was opening and Casey was making his way towards me.

"Anything new about the baby?" I questioned, worried about Boden and Donna. Couldn't imagine the fear and worry they must be feeling.

"No change."

He took off his jacket and sat down beside me, I let out a puff of air. "I can't imagine what Donna and Boden are going through right now."

"I'm heading back in the morning if you want to come with me."

I paused, now or never. "Matt…" I said softly, looking over to the bags on the floor, his eyes following mine.

I could see the recognition flooding his features. His eyes widened in surprise as he looked back and forth between me and the bags. I could see the anguish creeping in to his eyes.

"Gabby…" He leaned against the table. "We can work it out."

"I don't know…" Honestly I didn't know. I so desperately wanted us too, but I just didn't know. And then I spilled, telling him what had been on my mind all day since I had gotten that call from him. "I should've never walked off shift like that. That was crazy, and completely unprofessional. And I abandoned two of our own when they needed us the most."

"You didn't know that. Besides, I gave you permission to leave." He reasoned.

I shake my head, "But you shouldn't have, that's the point." I try to explain. How could he not see that? If it were any other Candidate he would understand.

"It all worked out, you came back. Hell, you're the one who found Mills and Brett."

"That doesn't change the fact that the thing we swore would never happen, happened. Our relationship got in the way of the job, and the job in the way of the relationship." He sits back and I can tell he is getting upset. It's radiating off of him, the frustration, the anger, the fear.

"I mean we don't even talk about stuff anymore, and I feel like we can't." I tell him. I need him to understand where I'm coming from. That I wasn't doing this because I really wanted too, but because I needed this to work. Needed us to work.

He's quite for a moment before, "So you're leaving?" This wasn't going how I expected. Was he just giving up? Just like that.

I look away, I can feel the tears welling in my eyes, and I desperately needed them to stay away. I needed to get through this conversation. I take a deep breath, I can feel my throat tightening. "I just think we need some space from each other. Maybe that's the only way we can figure this whole thing out."

He sits back, and I study him carefully. I can see him putting his defenses up, I know he's hurting, but I am too. I'm trying. I'm trying to make this better, can't he understand that.

He slumps in to his chair before he makes eye contact again. His eyes are cold. "Sounds like you've made up your mind."

My eyes widen. That hurt.

So that was it that was all the fight he had in him. His lack of fight draining any I had left in me.

I have to look away. I wouldn't let him see how his words stung me. I open my mouth to respond, but close it. I had no words. How should I respond to that?

Maybe he wanted it all along. This break. His words, _maybe this is all just too big for us, _fill my mind.

_Maybe it was. _

I shake my head before getting up and grabbing my bags. I so desperately wanted to look back at him, but I couldn't. The tears were threatening to fall and I wouldn't let him see them. I wouldn't let him see how much it was killing me. So I go for the door, and my heart breaks even more when I hear nothing else from him.

The clicking of the door closed behind me, has me feeling like maybe _this is the end_.

My breaths are quick and shallow as I quickly make my way down the hall and out the door. _Get outside at least Gabby. Don't be the girl crying in the hall._

I'm barely out the door before the tears are falling and the cries are slipping from my mouth. I lean up against it, trying to compose myself, trying to wipe the tears away.

_If this is what I wanted than why does it hurt so much?_

_**Casey**_

How could I let her go?

I stood there staring at the door in disbelief. A million words racing through my mind but none of them leaving my lips.

_Gabby. Stay. I love you. We can work this out. Don't go. Don't leave me._

_I love you…_

But I didn't say any of those things. I stood there and watched her leave. The light shake of her shoulders enough for me to know that she was trying to hold it together.

She was gone, and I let her go.

Anger is coursing through me and I'm positive that it has little to do with her and more to do with my actions.

_I let her leave. _

The only good thing I have. The best thing I have, I let go. I let her walk out that door and let her believe that this is what I want. That I agreed that space was good for us.

Before I can even recollect what I'm doing my fist is through the wall leaving a nice size hole and blood is slipping down my knuckles.

I hiss leaves my lips when I pull my arm back through the drywall.

Tears are welling in my eyes and it has nothing to do with the pain in my hand and everything to do with the ache in my chest.

_She was gone, _and I had no idea where to go from here.

How do I make this better? I let her leave. How could I just let her leave?

I'm shaking my head, trying to understand what is all happening. Today has been crazy. Boden and Donna. Baby Terrance. Brett and Mills. Gabby and I fighting. The hurtful words I had said to her on shift. Gabby leaving. It was all too much. My brain was having a hard time trying to comprehend it all.

I plop back down in the chair and rest my head in my hands. I can feel myself shaking. I'm trying to keep the tears at bay. I can feel the throbbing in my hand and I'm positive I have at least sprained it.

The throbbing in my chest only intensifies as the clock ticks by. This couldn't be over. We worked so hard to keep it together over the past year. It had never been easy with us. Never. There was always an obstacle to jump through, never an easy rode out. But we always managed to jump through those obstacles together, never wavering from each other, even in the worst of times.

We finally wavered.

We'd been falling apart for some time now and I had refused to see it. Refused to acknowledge it. Instead I pushed her away. The truth was all of this terrified me. Not our relationship, never our relationship. I was more than ready for that. I would marry Gabby tomorrow if I could. But her being a Candidate. It terrified me. I was happy for her, of course. I wanted her to chase her dreams, and I did support her, no matter how much she sometimes thought I didn't. I will always support her doing the things she loves.

But I was scared.

Every single time a call went out a fear ripped through me that I couldn't describe. And it was all for Gabby.

I couldn't imagine losing her, and I knew how real losing her could be every time a call came through. Fear took over me, and I let that get in the way of my judgment as a Lieutenant, and I let it get in the way of how I treated Gabby at home.

I was supposed to be her fiancé at home, but lately it seemed like I couldn't let go of our lives at the firehouse. I tried blaming it on Gabby. Told her she was the one who couldn't handle it. And maybe in some ways she couldn't, but the truth was it was me.

I couldn't handle it. I couldn't handle being the one to send her into harm's way. She'd barely been on the job a few months now and she had already had so many close calls.

Her asking to be on Hermann's hip should have been enough of a sign for me that this wasn't working, but I pushed it away, to consumed with my sisters problems… and now it was coming back to bite me in the ass. Hard.

I had pushed it all away for too long. Just expecting it to get better on its own. Expecting to not have to work for it.

Gabby's words rang in my head. _We don't even talk anymore, and I feel like we can't._ It hit me. I made her feel like she couldn't come to me. Not only as her Lieutenant, but worst off as her fiancé.

She had tried so many times in the past few weeks. _I was hoping we could talk about what happened last shift. That shift was pretty rough._ I shot her down, still to consumed in my anger over her disobeying orders. _If we can't talk about things than how is this every going to work._ No answer on my part. _Grab a bite to eat with me._ She had gotten Hermann to switch with her, and I never showed, making up an excuse about a construction job that I never had. Then I saw her with Mills. Jealousy had ripped through me when he reached over and touched her hand.

Everything that Gabby had said in our next argument raced through my mind and hit me like a ton of bricks. _I wasn't crawling back to anything. _**You don't know if you want to be with me.**__She had never said she didn't want to be with me, I just heard what I thought it meant. _It's not the work part that's hard, it's the home part. I honestly don't know what to do._ Her voice was so lost. And right then it hit me that Gabby didn't know what to do, but that had nothing to do with how much we loved each other, it didn't have to do with her not wanting to be with me_. She was lost_. So lost. Everything was changing. Shay was gone. Our relationship was on the rocks and I was pushing her away. Everything was falling apart around her and I sat back and let it happen.

Shay was gone and Gabby only had me to confide in and I pushed her away. How could I be so stupid? How could I not notice how she was feeling? Gabby was breaking down and I sat idly by and let it happen. Tears slipped down my cheeks then. She was supposed to be my girl, and I led her to her breaking point.

I could see in her eyes as she sat across from me trying to make me understand that she didn't want this. That all of this was hard on her. All of it was becoming to much for her. She was still grieving for Shay. She was stressed out about her job change and becoming a Candidate. It was exhausting work. She was working at Molly's almost every night that she wasn't on shift. And I was being an ass.

I was causing more unnecessary problems for her. Problems that she didn't need, and now I realize, she couldn't handle.

I was an ass, and I was more of an ass for only just realizing that now.

The one thing I knew though was that if Gabby had come to this decision to leave was that it hadn't been easy on her, and if she really thought that it would work then I was going to let her do it. I wasn't going to stand in her way of proving herself as a candidate anymore.

I wasn't going to put any more stress on her. Gabby decided we needed space, _maybe that's the only way we will ever work this all out._ Maybe she was right about that.

I guess only time will tell.

I did know one thing. As much as I was hurting, and as much as she believed we needed space, I wasn't going to stop fighting for her. She was the love of my life, and I wasn't going to let her go without a fight.

She deserved at least that much from me.


End file.
